You're So Money and You Don't Even Know It

Late last night, following Columbus's Red, White, and Boom fireworks show and aided by Bud Light and boredom, my roommate and I got on the topic of how to get girls. Being Ohio State fans, this boiled down to one question: What Would Jim Tressel Do? We decided that Tressel would not hurry things, wouldn't risk it all by trying to close the deal too quickly. Tressel would wait until he had a situation that played to his advantages, and wouldn't be afraid to punt if things started going haywire. That's how Tressel gets the women. And if fake blogs are a reliable source of information (and I think they are), Tressel certainly does get the women. Also the hovercrafts.

This got my roommate and I thinking: if a bunch of high-profile college football coaches walk into a bar to pick up women, how does it all play out? We came up with a few theories, which I have elaborated on below, assisted by College Football News's list of top coaches:

Jim Tressel - Tressel does not work quickly. He picks out a girl, introduces himself, talks to her, and sees how things are going, but he's patient. If he isn't making much progress, he settles for getting a phone number and trying again later, setting up a date where he could impress the girl more easily. Tressel doesn't dance that well, so he doesn't dance with the girl. He takes her bowling instead, because Tressel's a damn good bowler, and he can show off his athletic skills and incredible sense of humor at the bowling alley. Plus, when's the last time people didn't have fun bowling? Exactly, it doesn't happen. Everyone likes bowling. Anyway, you might wonder if Tressel's ever gonna get anywhere with the girl, you might make jokes about how he has no game, but when it's all said and done, he usually gets the girl.

Lloyd Carr - Lloyd doesn't even go to the bar anymore. He used to go out and do well for himself, but he doesn't seem to have it anymore. When everyone's planning a night out, they expect him to go out and do all right for himself, but he always ends up disappointing everyone. This may be because Lloyd finds himself competing with Tressel at the bar, and generally losing.

Pete Carroll - Carroll pulls in all sorts of hot tail without much trouble. Sure, it would be impressive, but considering he's hitting up bars with tons of hot chicks and has a great house with a great location, he should be doing that well. Petey's trips to the bar are like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bob Stoops - Bob's the sort of guy who does well for himself with women, but you can't help thinking that he's not gonna reach that level of that one night again. You know, that crazy night with the Patron, and those Swedish chicks, and that hilarious cab driver. You know what night Bob's talking about right? Sure you do, and it was a good time, but the past couple trips haven't been near that much fun, and you're starting to think that maybe you'd be better off going to the bar with, say, Pete instead.

Kirk Ferentz - The girls Ferentz gets never seem that impressive. You certainly didn't try to get them. Nevertheless, Kirk almost always has more fun with his girlfriends than you do with yours. The whole "diamond in the rough" thing is kind of wearing thin, though, and sooner or later he's gonna have to start setting his sights higher.

Charlie Weis - The first night you went to the bar with Charlie, he got a number from a pretty hot girl. Everyone was really impressed and started forming high expectations for the guy. You pointed out that the guy Charlie replaced in your group also started out well, and he ended up just falling on the grenade for the other guys. You are quickly assured that things are different now that you're rolling with Charlie, but you aren't quite sure how.

Urban Meyer - He walks in, stares at the girl of choice, and points. Success ensues.

Mack Brown - For a long time, Mack couldn't close the deal. He'd talk to the hot girls, he'd even get a number, but he'd always end up messing things up. Last time you all hit up the bar, though, he scored with an absolutely gorgeous chick (you might have gotten with her instead, but Justin Zwick, Ryan Hamby, and Troy Smith's greed conspired to screw you over). You're happy for your buddy, but the question remains: was that a once in a lifetime event for him, or a sign of things to come?

Steve Spurrier - Steve's got a system. He bought one of those mail-order books you see advertised in Playboy and the like (or so I've heard), and he always sticks to that strategy. For a lot of years it worked incredibly well, and it really pissed off a lot of people, especially your buddy Phil Fulmer. Then Steve stopped going to the bar with the guys for a while and started hanging out with some other dudes. That didn't work out too well for him, so now he's hanging out with you guys again. It remains to be seen if he'll reel in the women he used to get, but Phil's just glad he's not going to the same bar as Steve anymore.